50 Shades of Kill-Me-Now

My Facebook followers have asked me at least two dozen times to weigh in on the "50 Shades of Grey" series because I write erotica myself.  I've heard such wildly swinging reviews that I knew it had to be more hype than substance and had no intentions of reading it.  I finally broke down and read it.  For those of you who actually enjoyed it...you should leave now.  Truly.  

Goodreads wouldn't let me register my "review" without at least ONE STAR - I would have given it ZERO but was forced against my will to provide one lonely star. I'm so completely floored that this is being touted as "erotica" or as a D/s relationship.  How did it sell 15 copies - much less 15 million???

The relationship between the two main characters is an 8 - closer to a 9 - on the BDSM standard levels of submission - which means it is a MASTER/slave relationship. Of course, that designation wouldn't sell quite as many copies so they decided to misrepresent the entire culture and make all of us who have been part of a D/s relationship at any point of our sexual histories look like abusive control freaks (Doms) or weak, pathetic doormats (subs).

Christian is abusive, bizarre, and borderline dangerous...and he was still the only halfway interesting thing about this book. Throughout Anastasia maintains an almost "Stockholm" type behavior. Creepy not sexy.

The author uses purple prose such as "my sex" and "his member" (which, kink or not, knocks her down to romance not erotica).  James repeatedly used such brilliant dialogue as "holy crap", "oh my", "jeez", and "he's hot" (hundreds of times) which made her sound less articulate than my 15-yr-old daughters. 

Many of the sex scenes are LAUGHABLE they are so silly and unrealistic.  Tampon...gross.  Deep-throat?  Really?  From a virgin?  You think so?  Sex a dozen times a day, as a virgin, with a ridiculously well-endowed man and you have "pleasant soreness".  

I have to wonder: has the author actually had sex herself?

There is some odd spin that is simply stupid with her "inner goddess" and her "subconscious" that sounds like shit from an acid trip or  maybe a psychotic break.  

The writing in some places is almost word-for-word ripped off from "Twilight" and WHY it isn't stuck in a legal dept somewhere - I don't know. It seems strange to me. I would annihilate anyone who spun off my work like this...and did it so badly. Meyer should be livid not saying "good on her"...what???

I have a friend who believes Meyer really wrote it.  If she did, how lazy can you get?  Trash, trash, trash and a horrible waste of hours I didn't have. I've never rolled my eyes so many times through one book...not ever.

For those who bought the second and third books...hoping the writing, plot, and character development improves?  No. Such. Luck.  Not that I've read the second and third ones.  Oh hell no.  I'm not a glutton for punishment.  

Am I a book snob?  Damn right.  When it comes to words...if you're making millions and there is a movie in the works...you should know how to string sentences together without sounding like some sniveling little teenager who didn't get asked to the prom.  

Much love,


Lizzy said...

As one of the followers who asked your opinion of the series, please allow me to say "Thank You" for taking my almost exact thoughts regarding this book/series and stating them in a much more tasteful way than "these books pretty much suck". After all the hype from friends, it was indeed a great disapointment.

As a fellow avid reader, I believe one should feel drawn into a good book...leaving you with neither the time nor the desire to critique the grammar, wording, character development and general overall tale of the book. Such was not the case with 50. You hit the nail dead on the head with the Twilight reference...I've called it Twilight or Mormon Porn when speaking with friends who 'loved' it...makes me wonder if they can handle your writings!! :D

Shayne M said...

I love you. I do. Thank GOD it isn't just me. What a relief!!! LOL - if people found this "explicit" they should avoid my stuff.

50 SoG was "weird", "fantastical", and "gross" in many ways but I found nothing hot or sexy about it. When a sex scene makes you laugh from start to finish...um, yeah.

Thanks for being awesome!

Alina Quesada said...

I really liked your review, I read all three books, just because I had them there and I wanted to see how it ended. Book three is a complete waste of time in my opinion, no need for it. The repetitiveness in the vocabulary really got on my nerves, and all that Mr. Grey, Mrs. Grey, had me hankering for at least a honey or even a smoochiekoon or something else, who calls their spouse that all the time anyway? I found it annoying. Take all the sex part away and it's a regular teen romance. Like I stated on your facebook, I don't feel I'm the targeted audience.