With the
popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” there are extreme misconceptions about the
nature of a D/s relationship. The 15
million people who purchased this book (if they weren’t familiar with true BDSM
before reading it) now have a view of D/s that is completely and utterly
incorrect.
The
relationship depicted between Christian Grey and Ana is a Master/slave
dynamic. Please see my blog regarding
the “9 Levels of Submission” for clarification.
In a M/s relationship, the submissive releases all sense of self. They become the embodiment of what their
Master desires/requires and their thoughts/feelings do not enter into the
mix.
A true M/s
relationship is rare for the simple reason that human beings are not genetically
wired to release their identity – it is counter to our natural survival
instinct.
I do not agree with this level
of submission for myself (completely my opinion and choice) and have only known one couple in my life that was
successful at it long-term. When last I
spoke with them, they had been together for four years. At that point, they had been together almost
two years longer than the other M/s couples I knew.
In “50 SoG”,
Christian determines what his naïve submissive will eat, wear, how much she
will exercise, who she will be allowed to speak to, etc. The popularity of these books, and the
eventual movies, concern me because young women – especially young women of
today’s generation – tend to be incredibly stupid when it comes to men.
In a true
D/s relationship, a submissive willingly and with full trust releases control of their sexuality to their Dominant. This part of their
lives can exist separately from every other part. Successful business owner, scout leader,
Little League coach, PTA president…all of that is left behind when a submissive
enters the world of his/her Dominant.
The
submission of a person who is seen as an “alpha” personality by the rest of the
world is especially seductive to a strong Dominant. They are fully aware of the individuality,
the drive, the control of their submissive and watch as he/she leaves that
aspect of their personality at the door and places themselves – literally – in their
Dominant’s hands.
A true
Dominant is strong in will and control.
This strength is based on a core of inner self-confidence that is rarely
expressed in anger. They know their
place in the world and it is hard to shake them.
A true
Dominant is concerned (foremost) with their submissive’s safety and (second)
their pleasure. They are protective by
nature with sex drives that are rarely in low gear.
I wonder
at the porn industry’s depiction of battered women as the standard
submissive. Scratches and welts? Reasonable.
Fingerprints and rug burn? To be
expected. Broken skin and bone-deep
bruising?
Not
hardly.
A Dominant
protects his submissive from harm, including knowing when the edge between
pleasure and pain has become blurred for them.
They exert control so a submissive personality does not have to. They guard you, protect you, so you can let
go completely. They push your
boundaries, introduce you to things they know you will enjoy – even if you
resist initially. They are territorial
by nature, much like our animal counterparts, and though they may occasionally “share”
their submissive – there are rules that are followed to ensure protection of
their most cherished possession and boundaries that are not crossed.
A Dominant
who does not protect you from yourself, from going beyond rational acceptance
of pain to needing pain in order to achieve release, is not interested in your
safety. A Dominant who would debase you
to the point that you are simply “a hole” to be used by anyone in any way doesn’t
even see you as a person.
Temporary
D/s relationships – of which there are many – tend to give birth to many
misconceptions about BDSM. It is the
pain seekers, who for whatever reason cannot climax without pain. Those women who feel so bad about themselves that
words like “slut” and “whore” actually make them feel cherished. Then there are the Dominants who aren’t
really. Who get off on hurting weaker
people and couch it behind an entire culture so they can feel a sense of power.
No matter
what the porn industry tries to feed you.
No matter what E.L. James and her wildly incorrect novels try to get you
to swallow. D/s is about respect and
trust. A Dominant being strong for their
submissive so he/she can let go and focus on the pleasure.
Is there
pain? Sometimes. Is there punishment? Often.
I myself had to be broken down and built back up…but nowhere did it come
close to what I see every day from the porn industry.
It is when
the line is crossed from BDSM to violence, disrespect, and humiliation that a
submissive needs to evaluate their place in their Dominant’s life. A submissive is not a doormat or an inanimate
object. After the sex is over, you
should feel good about yourself, stronger and more focused. Just like “vanilla” relationships…the two of
you together should be better than each of you individually.
Don’t buy into
the hype.
And
Christian Grey can shove his calorie counting, temper tantrum having, stalkerish
tendencies up his ass.
You see, I'm a chubby woman who used to be fit. 12% body fat
type of fit with big boobs and a taut bubble butt. I had kids, I started
working too much, I took up smoking, I stopped eating or drinking, and I put
every single thing about "me" on the back burner. For almost 20
years. So here I am at 40 and I still work
too much, rarely eat or drink, I'm trying to quit smoking...and I'm still last
on my priority list. 
