Let’s Talk Domination/submission.

With the popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” there are extreme misconceptions about the nature of a D/s relationship.  The 15 million people who purchased this book (if they weren’t familiar with true BDSM before reading it) now have a view of D/s that is completely and utterly incorrect. 

The relationship depicted between Christian Grey and Ana is a Master/slave dynamic.  Please see my blog regarding the “9 Levels of Submission” for clarification.  In a M/s relationship, the submissive releases all sense of self.  They become the embodiment of what their Master desires/requires and their thoughts/feelings do not enter into the mix. 

A true M/s relationship is rare for the simple reason that human beings are not genetically wired to release their identity – it is counter to our natural survival instinct.  

I do not agree with this level of submission for myself (completely my opinion and choice) and have only known one couple in my life that was successful at it long-term.  When last I spoke with them, they had been together for four years.  At that point, they had been together almost two years longer than the other M/s couples I knew. 

In “50 SoG”, Christian determines what his naïve submissive will eat, wear, how much she will exercise, who she will be allowed to speak to, etc.  The popularity of these books, and the eventual movies, concern me because young women – especially young women of today’s generation – tend to be incredibly stupid when it comes to men. 

In a true D/s relationship, a submissive willingly and with full trust releases control of their sexuality to their Dominant.  This part of their lives can exist separately from every other part.  Successful business owner, scout leader, Little League coach, PTA president…all of that is left behind when a submissive enters the world of his/her Dominant. 

The submission of a person who is seen as an “alpha” personality by the rest of the world is especially seductive to a strong Dominant.  They are fully aware of the individuality, the drive, the control of their submissive and watch as he/she leaves that aspect of their personality at the door and places themselves – literally – in their Dominant’s hands.

A true Dominant is strong in will and control.  This strength is based on a core of inner self-confidence that is rarely expressed in anger.  They know their place in the world and it is hard to shake them.

A true Dominant is concerned (foremost) with their submissive’s safety and (second) their pleasure.  They are protective by nature with sex drives that are rarely in low gear. 

I wonder at the porn industry’s depiction of battered women as the standard submissive.  Scratches and welts?  Reasonable.  Fingerprints and rug burn?  To be expected.  Broken skin and bone-deep bruising? 

Not hardly. 

 

A Dominant protects his submissive from harm, including knowing when the edge between pleasure and pain has become blurred for them.  They exert control so a submissive personality does not have to.  They guard you, protect you, so you can let go completely.  They push your boundaries, introduce you to things they know you will enjoy – even if you resist initially.  They are territorial by nature, much like our animal counterparts, and though they may occasionally “share” their submissive – there are rules that are followed to ensure protection of their most cherished possession and boundaries that are not crossed. 

A Dominant who does not protect you from yourself, from going beyond rational acceptance of pain to needing pain in order to achieve release, is not interested in your safety.  A Dominant who would debase you to the point that you are simply “a hole” to be used by anyone in any way doesn’t even see you as a person.

Temporary D/s relationships – of which there are many – tend to give birth to many misconceptions about BDSM.  It is the pain seekers, who for whatever reason cannot climax without pain.  Those women who feel so bad about themselves that words like “slut” and “whore” actually make them feel cherished.  Then there are the Dominants who aren’t really.  Who get off on hurting weaker people and couch it behind an entire culture so they can feel a sense of power. 

No matter what the porn industry tries to feed you.  No matter what E.L. James and her wildly incorrect novels try to get you to swallow.  D/s is about respect and trust.  A Dominant being strong for their submissive so he/she can let go and focus on the pleasure.

Is there pain?  Sometimes.  Is there punishment?  Often.  I myself had to be broken down and built back up…but nowhere did it come close to what I see every day from the porn industry. 

It is when the line is crossed from BDSM to violence, disrespect, and humiliation that a submissive needs to evaluate their place in their Dominant’s life.  A submissive is not a doormat or an inanimate object.  After the sex is over, you should feel good about yourself, stronger and more focused.  Just like “vanilla” relationships…the two of you together should be better than each of you individually. 

Don’t buy into the hype.

And Christian Grey can shove his calorie counting, temper tantrum having, stalkerish tendencies up his ass.