SHE

she taught me many things
when I was young
how to read and write my name
she instilled in me my annoying neatness
without which
many people would not recognize me

so many things she showed me
to remember
that quality was best
that art was deep and moving
books profound
the proper way to carry myself

the lessons she taught me
I know
will never be forgotten
I was a project
a toy
a pretty doll, a pet

I performed on cue
whenever
it was asked of me
through the hell of the first time
to my
ultimate rebellion at the last

she acted for many years as if
somehow
it were my fault
I believed her sometimes
but now
I know that was another lie

my crime was not a crime at all
being
a vibrant, happy child
not knowing how to stop the intrusions
and realizing
she did not want me to

how I laid my trust
in her
to make them go away
never understanding
there would
always be another to take his place

I love her still this monster
who took
everything I knew
so she wouldn't be
without a man
to pay for her life

she bid me earn her living
by the only
means I had
never stopping to consider
the destruction
her selfishness would cause

today we talk around
what happened
when I was a child
we both
pretend things are fine
nothing wrong at all

sometimes I think its better
to simply
leave the past alone
attempting to remember the good times
between the
horrors of the bad

but I know the truth
the past
still encroaches on my life
it affects my thoughts and feelings
how I react
to the people I love

I want to let it go
the darkness
and fear of my childhood
I would feel
so much more sane
if she'd only admit the truth

tell me she's sorry
so sorry
for how she made me live
so she
could keep her wealthy lifestyle
paid for with my innocence

I want to close the door
reopen another
let the past stay where it belongs
and find
a way to cleanse the filth
and at last forgive if not forget