grasping for normalcy

a cigarette cough
and I struggle
to find the thread
I dropped
so very long ago
on the razor's edge
trying not to fall
looking over my shoulder
fully aware
of what waits for me
lurking, pulsing
in the shadows
needing a handhold
drinking myself numb
wishing it worked
feeling my breath drift away
and back again
grasping for normalcy
with slippery hands

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